


Elegant, like my brother

by artsyaphnoah



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Age Difference, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Family, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2020-03-10
Packaged: 2020-10-29 03:57:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20790254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyaphnoah/pseuds/artsyaphnoah
Summary: TW: eating disorders, depression, toxic friendshipIceland is always comparing his and Norway's bodies, finding himself hating it more and more as time passes.Read tags for more warnings.PLEASE read the notes before reading this work!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I wrote this a long LONG time ago as a way to deal with my own eating disorder, it was like a way to cope, but I do NOT encourage people to glorify EDs at all, in fact I tried my best to make it so I would realize myself how much Iceland was suffering so it would help me as well. It kinda worked? I still have issues with food but now it's not as bad. 
> 
> ANOTHER IMPORTANT THING I wrote about Iceland and Netherlands, however they are NOT dating in this fanfic, I tried to make it kinda like a highly toxic friendship based on toxic issues that both had, now that I'm older I realize that that is wrong because Netherlands is older than Iceland, so I apologize about that deeply. As you can see I did realize on that because I sent Netherlands away and he won't appear anymore. I shouldn't have written it in the first place.
> 
> I don't want to delete this fanfic because it really helped me cope and sometimes when I feel bad about food I come back and write a bit of a chapter so I will actually continue this, just that I won't post often. 
> 
> Now that I have clarified this, you may continue reading! And if you need to speak to someone about it, you can send me a message!!
> 
> ...
> 
> I am no expert on eating disorders, I'm not a doctor. This is based off of personal experiences.
> 
> If you're struggling with an ED this is the ED hotline for:
> 
> US: 1-800-931-2237  
UK: 0808 801 0711

When had been the last time he ate? Actually, a better question would be, when was the last time he ate without feeling guilty? Every time he looked at his stomach or his arms or his legs, any part of his body, he felt like he could throw up.

It was disgusting.

He was disgusting.

How could he, being shorter and younger than Norway, be fatter than him? How could he, allow himself to outgrow his brother, but to his sides? It was stupid. Nonsense.

It all started with one meal, he suddenly didn't want to eat it anymore when he saw Norway entering the kitchen. Walking gracefully, elegant. Skinny.

Then, it was dinner. He cut it out and decided that it would be good, not only for his appearance but for his health as well. Or that's what he tried to think. And of course it was hard, after he got out of work all he wanted was to eat and sleep. Too tired to think much about it, but also too disgusted with himself to do as his body demanded. So he resisted and slept.

That week he lost two kilos and that made him happy. He admired himself in the mirror but what made him happy earlier didn't show in his reflection. It looked as if he had gained instead of losing.

How could this be possible?

'Well, maybe if you hadn't eaten like a pig' a voice inside his head told him and then, he began skipping breakfast too.

He set up some rules for himself, such as a meal schedule, safe foods, he even began to count how many calories he ate in a day.

First, one thousand, next week he lowered it to seven hundred, the next month, he lowered it to five hundred. And then... And then he found himself just eating apples and coffee. Black coffee. Just how his graceful and elegant and skinny brother drank it.

He began to notice, changes and the mirror told him he looked skinnier but it also told him that it was not enough. Norway was even skinnier and not only him, Japan was too, and so were many other nations, many he could name that were prettier than him. So, he spent more and more hours in the gym. And would not eat afterwards.

He had already lost seven kilos. It had been slower than when he lost two, he assumed it was because he was eating way too much, but he wasn't going to change the apples yet, he had read online that they boosted his metabolism. Was that true or false? He wouldn't know, yet he kept going.

A week later he received a message from Sweden, the Nordic meeting was going to be held at his place and he wanted to remind him to come. The other Nordics would be there as well and he knew he couldn't avoid going. He didn't want them to see him just yet, he wanted to be thinner before showing up in front of them. So, for the next week, before he had to fly to the Swedish nation's house, he spent most of his days living off black coffee and diet pills. He lost another kilo and he felt like it would be good now. He felt like he could accomplish anything now.

He took a plane, ignoring the shocked faces from his own people, they stared at him with worry in their eyes and he wondered why. He didn't ask, though. When he landed, he went straight to get a taxi and asked him, with fluent Swedish, to take him to the nation's house. Once he arrived, he used the keys the other had given to him a long time before and opened the door. Apparently he was the first one to arrive, because he saw the Swedish nation vacuuming the living room.

"Hey, Sve" he said, taking his shoes off. The other turned to see him and stared at him, which wasn't weird for him, but still felt different.

"Hmm" he greeted him and turned back to keep vacuuming the room.

The Icelander went upstairs to leave his stuff in his room and decided to take his coat off. He prefered to use a light sweater, although he felt colder than usual. Still, he wasn't going to go out. He heard the main door be closed and knew that someone else had arrived too. He walked downstairs just to see the Finn taking his shoes off and the Swede saving the vacuum in the cleaning closet.

"Hey Finn" He greeted him. When the Finn looked up, all he could notice was confusion, that it then changed to worry. Again, he didn't know why and Finland being himself, wouldn't leave it without asking first.

"Hey Islanti... You look so... Different" that simple sentence, made Iceland feel almost magical, closer to perfection than ever.

"You think so? Thank you, I guess" he said, keeping his usual self, because even if he wanted to scream and jump from happiness, he still had a reputation to show.

"Yeah... Have you talked with Nor?"

"Not really, it's been like five months since I last saw him"

"I see... Well, will you help me cook something for dinner?"

Iceland could feel the nervousness rising, he was sure he could hold himself while helping the Finn cook, but he knew he'd have to eat at the dinner table or his brother would not leave him alone until he did. It worried him, he had not once gone over his limit and Denmark would always make a large dessert for everyone.

"Sure thing" he replied and walked past him, directly to the couch. That's when he heard the door again. He could feel it was his brother and he became excited to see if there was finally some similarities between his and his brother's body.

Graceful, elegant, Norway walked inside the house, greeting the Swede before he entered the kitchen. Finland waved before walking away and then, their eyes met. He smiled, barely noticeable, since his tights seemed just like Norway's. He still had to lose some fat from his arms and stomach.

"Island"

"Noregur" He replied, leaning his chin on his hand and keeping eye contact with his brother. It was something he never did, but his glare was so intense it began to intimidate him. He had never received such a look, only time, when Láki had exploded and he had to remain in bed, sick.

"You're extremely skinny" was the first thing he said, not even having a little consideration like the Finn had had.

"You think so? I've been stressed lately, maybe is that" he replied, hiding the fact that he was on a diet. He knew Norway didn't like that.

He tried to sound as confident on what he was lying as possible. Norway seemed to have his doubts, but decided not to push him yet.

"I see... " Sweden entered the room again and took the Norwegian and Finn's luggage to take it to their bedrooms.

No one said anything for half an hour, tension could be felt and it wasn't until the Dane yelled, making the others aware of his arrival, that Iceland could let himself relax. Denmark was always so talkative, that it would stop the others from glaring at him.

"Woah! Iceland what the fuck?" His ex caretaker changed his expression to a worried one, just like the other had. This made Iceland kind of happy and he was aware that it was disturbing that he, in fact, enjoyed it.

"Like I told Nore, I've been stressed out and working a lot, thank you very much" he tried to sound pissed, like his usual self. Finland seemed to accept the excuse rather fine, but the other three nations didn't. Not that he cared.

"We're just worried, Is" the Finn said, earning a shrug from the Icelandic nation. That ended the conversation and Iceland decided to play with his phone until Finland called for his help with dinner.

Iceland took out the lasagna from the oven and heard his stomach rumble. Sweden had come to the kitchen to take over the Finn's disaster and made a rather big lasagna with his help. The Finn had left the room to set the table, leaving both nations alone. Sweden didn't say anything, but Iceland could feel his gaze every time he took something for dinner.

Time passed rather quick and soon they found themselves sitting at the table, the Swedish nation putting a jar of water in the middle of the table. Everyone began to take food and putting it on their plates, time stopping when the Icelandic nation took a very small piece of lasagna and putting it on his. It was ridiculous the small amount he took, but Iceland didn't seem to notice the looks he was receiving, until the Dane spoke up.

"Is that all you're getting?" He asked, barely catching Iceland's attention.

"Já" He replied, taking his fork and taking very small pieces of the food.

He didn't really want to eat it, but his brother wouldn't let him leave the table until he ate, Norway didn't like diets and thought they were stupid.

He poured himself at least three glasses of water during dinner, feeling full just from it. When the others had finished, he still had half of the portion he had begun with and there was still some left lasagna that nobody took because it was meant for him.

Now Iceland could really feel the gazes, but he didn't care, he wasn't going to throw to the trash all that work and self control he had done during the last few months. He didn't care about the worried look he got from his brother when he put his plate on the pile, half full.

He had to admit that right now he was having a lot of self control, because Sweden's cuisine was delicious, he held himself back trying not to take back the plate and finish, not only what was on his plate but also the portion that nobody had taken. There was still the dessert, Denmark had made lime pie and he knew he'd have to eat it.

"Okay... I'll bring the pie" Denmark got up and walked to the kitchen, Finland behind him, taking all the plates and forks they had used.

Once the pie was there, Iceland already had taken his new fork, ready to take just two bites of it, but Denmark went ahead and put a really big portion of the pie on his plate, making the Icelander frown.

"That's too much, Danmark"

"Kinda thought you'd have to make it up for the little lasagna you ate" he said, giving the others more normal portions of the dessert.

Iceland sighed but decided that he might as well purge it later. He'd just have to make sure to finish quickly and excuse himself, the only problem was the chat they always had after dinner about work and how they had been. He couldn't skip that. Iceland frowned deeper when he realized he was trapped.

All the time he spent thinking, he didn't notice the concerned look from the Dane, who knew Iceland never, ever, rejected his desserts. He wondered what had happened and if he had to call his boss to see if Iceland was really under too much stress, if that was the case, he'd make sure to visit the Icelander's boss soon. But if it wasn't that... He seriously didn't want to know.

"Do you have any projects going on?" Finland asked, starting with the evening chat they always had.

"Já, a very big and important one" Iceland replied, taking a small bite of the pie.

He really thought he was going to purge it, even if he felt guilty that it was something Denmark had prepared for them, he didn't want to risk gaining back the kilo he had lost that week.

"Oh? What is it about?" Again, Finland asked, trying to erase the tension that had been on the table all dinner.

"Economy" Iceland tried to keep his answers as short and direct as possible, any small slip and Norway would know about his diet.

"I see... What about you, älsking?" Finland asked the Swede this time, who only shook his head.

It was being very difficult to start a conversation since not even Denmark was saying anything. All their attention was on Iceland and how he had pushed most of the pie aside, leaving only the frosting, which he didn't eat completely.

Iceland noticed the looks and decided to try something he saw on a website somewhere. He took a big bite of the pie and chewed, letting some frosting on his upper lip on purpose. He then took a napkins and made it seem like he was wiping it off while, with his tongue, he pushed the pie out of his mouth and into the napkin.

The others didn't notice this, though and were a little more relieved now that he had taken more pie. He did eat small bites just to not be obvious about him letting it all go into the napkins, and in the end, he had hidden all the used paper in his pocket and left the plate clean which seemed to satisfy everyone around him.


	2. Chapter 2

Iceland sneaked to his bedroom and stared at the ceiling. He still could taste the pie in his mouth and it made his stomach grumble. He hated it, he had been doing so good and it couldn't end with him eating what was in his pockets, not only that would be disgusting since it was already chewed, but also, it was a lot of sugar. He took the used napkins and put them inside a plastic bag and hid it to throw it away later.

He heard a knock on the door and quickly jumped back to his bed, making sure one last time that the bag was not visible.

"Island?" He heard his brother's voice from the other side.

He didn't know what he wanted, and his paranoia made him think that it was to confront him about the napkins for dinner. He didn't want to talk about that. His brother was smart and he'd know what he was doing and he couldn't let that happen until he had reached his goal weight.

"Can I come in?" Iceland nodded then feeling stupid, he couldn't see him at the other side, so, he replied loudly as he could "yeah"

"You almost didn't eat" said Norway once he had entered the other's bedroom.

The Norwegian sat down next to him on the bed and put his hand on the other's, he had a concerned look on his face and Iceland hated that.

"Yes I did eat. I'm okay Noregur" he replied, taking his hand away and moving to the other side of the bed.

Norway frowned but didn't say anything. It was already hard for both of them not to be awkward with each other but Norway really wanted to help his little brother.

"Island... You look pale and like you could pass out any time, how is that being okay?" Iceland looked away and bit his lower lip. He hadn't really thought about an excuse to tell his brother other than he was stressed.

"I told you, I've been working a lot and I'm stressed"

"You can trust me, Is... I can help you out if whatever hell you're in"

Iceland frowned and shook his head "you're overreacting" It hurt him lying to his brother when he behaved like this, but he couldn't stop, not right now when he was close to hit his first goal weight "I'm seriously fine, once the project is done I'll go stay with you for a while, okay brother?" Iceland knew what could convince his brother but even if he was lying it was true that he liked spending time with him, even if he wouldn't say it out loud.

This seemed to satisfy the Norwegian, who nodded, a hint of happiness in his face and Iceland almost sighed in relief. His brother seemed to finally buy his excuse and he could continue with what he was doing.

He talked a little bit more with Norway until he left to go to his own room to rest. Iceland let himself fall back on the bed and looked at the ceiling. He smiled as he remembered that his hand was as boney as his brother's, he noticed it the moment Norway put his hand on top of his.

He closed his eyes and then fell asleep.

The next day Iceland woke up early so he could go outside to smoke without anyone else noticing, he knew the others smoked occasionally, but he was always treated like the baby. He barely ever drank alcohol around the others because he was too young, only ever allowed one or two.

If they knew.

Iceland smiled to himself as he remembered the nights he would spend with other countries that he would consider his friends, it was always full of fun, drugs and sex. But this wasn't what had started his diet, he didn't even know how it did, one day he just saw Norway and then wanted to be like him.

He took out his phone and messaged the Netherlands.

Me: Do you have anything that suppresses hunger?

He saved his phone, knowing that he would likely be asleep at this time. He really wanted something that would make his diet easier and he had heard about pills that make it easier for you not to eat. Not that it was hard for him right now, but it would help him with the cravings he was getting lately. Not even once, since he had started, had he binged, but he was afraid that the pains in his stomach were getting stronger.

He sighed and left the consumed cigarette burn out before going back inside. He saw Sweden walking to the kitchen and he knew he'd have to hurry up and take a shower before anyone could notice the smell the tobacco left all over him.

And so he did, he changed clothes and put the others in a plastic bag to take them to laundry later.

He went downstairs to meet the others at the table. Sweden had made scrambled eggs and Denmark had helped him make some pancakes. He sighed and tried to count the calories in the scrambled eggs himself.

'Hmm... One egg is close to 60 calories, and Sweden never takes the yolk out. He probably put two eggs per head... A small portion would likely be less than 100 calories, but I don't know how much oil he used...' and so the maths in his head continued and Iceland felt himself getting stomachache, because 'oh God, it smells so good...'

Norway put a plate in front of him, with an average portion of the scrambled eggs, and he smiled to himself. He had really convinced his brother that it was just stress that cut his appetite. That was good. He was going to eat the eggs, they didn't have many calories so it was fine. He'd have to skip the pancakes, though.

He poured himself a glass of water and ate the eggs silently, just listening to Finland talking about something he had found online the other day. He wondered if Norway had told them something now that they weren't really paying attention to him.

It would be easy to save the pancakes in the napkins.

"Island?" He looked up and saw Sweden, putting the plate full of pancakes in the centre of the table. He then took some and put them on a plate, giving it to Iceland.

"Yeah?"

"How's your project going?" This time Finland asked, changing the attention from the pancakes to himself, and Iceland wondered why "You woke up very early, no wonder you are stressed. You should tell your boss not to bother you while you're here with us"

Iceland swallowed and thought quickly what to answer to that, since it was not easy, he had to say something he could keep up with for the longest time and that the others wouldn't check. He sighed but nodded.

"It's going fine. My boss said that I could have a break after it's done and no, I can't tell him that"

"And when will you have your break? Maybe we can spend it together!" Now Denmark spoke, staring at the Icelander and waiting for an answer.

"I'm not sure, but I already promised Noregur that I'm going to stay with him"

The Dane leaned back on the chair, unsatisfied with the reply he was given but soon the smile came back as he leaned towards the Norwegian "Can I go too?"

"I don't know... You're too loud"

Iceland took the moment the others had gotten distracted and quickly put most of the pancakes Sweden had given him inside the napkins and into his pocket. Then took a little with the fork and chewed. He made sure not to put any syrup on it.

No one noticed this and Iceland felt like celebrating. Maybe he would really be able to hit his goal weight in the following month.

When everyone left the table, Iceland made sure to take the napkins and hide them inside the bag he had put the others in and then he felt his phone vibrate.

Netherlands: "Denmark will kill me if I give you that"

Me: "As if you haven't been giving me other more dangerous things" he typed quickly, frowning.

Netherlands: "fine, but you come pick them"

Iceland sighed and left his phone on the table next to the bed. He wanted to exercise but then he wouldn't find any excuse for it. The others knew he would go to the gym regularly but with the stress he supposedly had it wouldn't be the best idea and much less with how 'skinny' they said he was. Norway was skinnier and exercised too, so why was it different with him? Why did they pay so much attention?

Questions flooded his mind as he lied down on the floor, putting a pillow behind his head for it to not make noise and began doing sit-ups, bitting his lips to avoid noise and constantly looking at the door in case this one was opened -for some reason, since it was locked-.

He spend the rest of the week hiding his food in napkins and exercising in his bedroom without anyone noticing until the last day. He had his first binge.

Sweden had made pumpkin pie and even if he had been able to avoid eating any of the dinner he found himself getting out of control when the piece of pie was put in front of him. He didn't even wait for Sweden to serve the others as he had already taken a big bite off it. He barely even chewed as the pieces of pie went down his throat and hurt. It hurt.

When he had finished he missed the confused glares from the others as he felt his stomach weight him down. He wanted to throw up as his body wasn't used to this amount of food anymore.

"Are you okay, Island?" Norway asked him, but Iceland didn't pay attention as he served himself another piece of pie.

'You're gonna regret this, you're gonna regret this' he repeated himself in his mind, but he couldn't stop. It tasted so good. It smelled so good too. It had been months since he felt like this and he hated it. Full and bloated.

He finished the second piece of pie and then all he could think about was on how all the effort from the last months had gone to waste.

"Island?"

"Sorry... It just that... It was really good, congrats, Sve" he said not fully convincing anyone but also not receiving any answer from the others.

He counted the minutes in his head. He had to throw up in less than fifteen minutes. He had to.

"I'm not feeling very well" he told his brother who put a hand on his shoulder.

"Want to go see a doctor?" The Norwegian stood up and leaned to feel his forehead. Iceland shook his head and stood up as well.

"I just need to lie down"

"Alright. Go lie down. When I finish this I'll take you some medicine" he nodded as he walked upstairs, feeling the stares on his back but not really caring.

Now the problem was, how was he supposed to make himself purge without making any noise? He turned on the shower and leaned towards the toilet. Fingers in and food out.

Again and again until all he could do was lean back on the wall and stare at the ceiling while he heard the water running down and the voice of his brother from the other side of the door.


	3. Chapter 3

Iceland panicked when he heard his brother at the other side of the door, asking him if he was okay, with his usual calm voice but this one filled with worry.

"Yeah I'm okay, just felt dizzy. I'm gonna take a shower now"

He ignored Norway's further questions and stripped himself off his clothes. The water was hot and it burnt his skin but he didn't really care. He spent a while in the shower until the hot water made him feel dizzy again. He stepped out and put a towel around his waist. He opened the door and walked out, not realizing his brother was still in there and he was topless. Exposing his stomach, Norway stared at him. Without the shirt on the Norwegian could see how skinny Iceland actually was.

"This is worse than what you told me" Iceland gasped and turned around quickly, his eyes meeting Norway's and then covered his torso with his arms.

"I didn't tell you anything. I told you I've been stressed, what do you think stress is supposed to mean?"

Norway kept staring at him, now completely not buying his words at all.

Iceland couldn't help but to look himself in the mirror and then looking at Norway's legs and arms and body in general. He noticed this.

"What are you doing?" He asked, really knowing what his little brother was doing but didn't want to say it out loud. It hurt.

"Nothing" he replied, then facing him again "actually, I'm waiting for you to leave the room and let me get dressed"

Norway sighed but let him alone to put some clothes on and he decided to go downstairs to tell the other Nordics about the Icelander's situation. He knew they suspected it already but now a confirmation would likely hurt them all. Even if Iceland was his brother only, all of them actually saw him as a brother too, and were worried like crazy. Specially Denmark.

"What happened?" Denmark was the first one to ask when he came back downstairs. All of them were sitting on the couch and waited until Norway sat too to finally talk about it.

"It's bad" Finland put a hand on his forehead when he heard that while Sweden stayed with his usual facial expression, still you could see he was upset "He has an eating disorder, even if he doesn't admit it"

"But we saw him eating..." Finland said, and Norway looked to his side, he seemed lost until he spoke again.

"He's hiding it. Somehow"

No one said anything for a while, they just heard the light TV noise that was there for background. All of them were lost in their thoughts, that they only came back to reality when they saw Iceland walk down the stairs with his suitcase and a black backpack.

"Where are you going?" Denmark asked him and when he got no response he stood up "Island"

"To the airport" and it hit them all that their meeting was over and this was the last day, even if they wanted to retain him, they couldn't.

"Island, we want to talk to you" Denmark said, he was frowning, his voice sounded bossy and he found himself complying even if he didn't want to. It just made him remember the times where he was still Denmark's colony. He couldn't avoid it.

"Right, what is it that you need?" Iceland left his stuff aside and sat himself on the individual sofa, grimacing as everyone had their eyes on him. All over his body.

"You've lost weight..." Denmark said and continued "...and not in a healthy way"

"Healthy way?" Iceland snorted "I told you guys I'm stressed! I eat but my body doesn't want to keep the calories! How is that my fault?"

"Island, I heard you purge, please stop making it seem like it's no big deal when you're slowly killing yourself" This time, Norway spoke, raising his voice at the Atlantic nation.

"Well even if that happens, and it won't, by the way, it's not like I won't pop up later" he crossed his arms and frowned. He was annoyed and didn't think this was necessary at all. He knew he should have been more careful but he couldn't just avoid it. It was his first binge and he hoped the last one.

"That's not the point! I can't... We can't just let you die even if you're going to come back!" Denmark walked towards the teenager and kneeled in front of him "please let us help you" he pleaded, knowing that if they let Iceland go back to his land like this there wasn't going to be much else to do.

"There's no need for help, I'm completely okay" Iceland replied and stood up, moving past Denmark and taking his suitcase again "I appreciate your concern but there's nothing to worry about" he said, walking towards the door "I'll see you guys next world meeting"

Iceland opened the door and closed it behind him, ignoring the other's worried look and how Norway kneeled right next to Denmark and put a hand on his shoulder. He ignored all of that and went straight to the airport. He waited until his flight to the Netherlands was called.

He put on headphones and closed his eyes, not noticing how he fell asleep until the movement of the plane landing woke him up.

Me: I'm at the airport, can ya pick me up?

He closed his phone again, not expecting the other to reply instantly, it surprised him when he got a call instead.

"Hey"

"Did you just arrive?"

"Yeah... I'm waiting for my luggage"

"I'll be there in five minutes"

Iceland nodded to himself as he hung up the phone and took his suitcase. He walked towards the entrance of the airport, it took him some time and when he got outside the Dutch man was already there, smoking a cigarette, waiting for him and Iceland couldn't help but sigh in amusement at how great Netherlands looked. Skinny, tall, a sharp jawline, he wasn't eating anything, instead, he was smoking and showing just how much control he had, he was standing there, with a large beige coat, his usual blueish scarf and his hair pushed back. He felt his cheeks go red the moment the other looked at him.

"Let's go" he said and walked to enter the car again, signaling Iceland to enter the car as well.

"I thought you'd come pick me up in your bike" Iceland half joked, since it had happened already and he wished to not repeat that experience.

"Shut up or you'll go walking" Netherlands smiled and turned on the car "I got your suppressants. Why are you starving yourself?" Iceland shifted in his seat when he heard the other ask him that, because even if Netherlands knew, he had never been told that directly. Not even Norway had been that direct.

"Well that's none of your business is it?" He replied, leaning back in his seat and putting his arm on the car's window. He could feel the cold air hit his face and it was already a very familiar sensation because Netherlands never closed his windows. It made him feel really at home, for some reason.

"I think I do deserve an answer since I'm not charging you the suppressants, am I?" Iceland didn't reply but sighed, letting the other know, silently, that he'd explain when they got there.

He didn't say anything else during the trip to Netherlands' house, but he could feel some butterflies in his stomach the moment they arrived and the Dutch looked over at him again, before opening the door and taking his suitcase. Iceland got out of the car as well and walked towards the entrance, waiting for the other to open.

And once they had seated on the couch, Iceland decided that he could tell him what was going on with his thoughts.

"Will you answer me now?" The Dutch asked, getting an affirmative nod from the Icelander, who played with his fingers, nervous.

"I...really want to be better than Norway" he explained, feeling weird just saying it out loud. It had always been inside his head only, telling someone was scary, but he didn't care "He's richer than me, taller, smarter, more elegant, skinnier..." He sighed and then continued "I just want to be better at something and I've decided that I want to have more control than he does"

"Control?"

"While Norway stuffs himself with desserts that the Dane makes I'm in the balcony, smoking a cigarette, admiring the view and just... Having self control" Iceland felt a little guilty when he said that, Norway had always been there for him and they way he was talking about him was as if he was disgusted by his brother's eating habits. He wasn't, his mind made him feel it, but deep inside, he wasn't "And I want to be more graceful and elegant than he is"

"That doesn't make sense" The other said after the Icelander had finished talking and received an offended huff "You want to have more self control but you're forgetting something"

"What is it that I'm forgetting?"

"You don't have it" Iceland bit his lower lip, he didn't understand what the other meant by that. So he asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"You don't have it when you smoke, or when you sniff or inject yourself with stuff, why would you have it with food?"

Iceland looked down, not thinking about a comeback or anything. He knew the other was right.

"And you just asked me for suppressants" Netherlands moved closer to the other and continued "And about the elegant part, I think it counts more the way you act than your appearance"

"What would you know about that?" Iceland looked up at him, frowning. Netherlands was always by his side, but this time it seemed like he wasn't at all. He wondered why, but he didn't really want to hear the answer.

"... You're right. Who am I to talk?" He stood up and walked towards the kitchen.

Iceland seemed confused for a second, but didn't follow him, instead, he caressed his stomach, since it was making noise already. Definitely, that binge had fucked him up real bad.

The other came back some minutes later, he was carrying a blue small box, it seemed like medicine.

"Take one every morning and you won't be hungry for the rest of the day" he gave him the box and then continued "it says there that you should take one pill before each meal, but believe me, the effect is very strong, so one every morning is enough"

"How do you know that?" Iceland asked and immediately it clicked in his mind that if Netherlands seemed to have control it was because he did.

And he fucking hated the thought of that.

The Dutch didn't reply, and no one said anything until his phone rang.

"It's Denmark" he said, Iceland looked to the side and made a gesture indicating to not tell the Dane he was there.

He put the speaker mode and replied "what is it?"

"That's the way you talk to me now? How lovely" Denmark said through the phone. Iceland could hear his voice, broken and his chest stung.

"M'sorry, been stressed lately" he noted "Are you okay?"

"No... But that doesn't matter right now" The Dane coughed before speaking again "Is Iceland with you?"

The Dutch looked over to the Icelander who repeated the same sign of not telling him he was there. Netherlands bit his lower lip, he didn't like lying to his best friend like that, but Iceland really seemed like he hadn't had a good moment with the Nordics.

"No, haven't seen him since the last meeting"

"Well... If you see him, please tell him we're looking for him. His boss told us he thought he was with us because he still has another week before going back home and we don't know where he went"

"Don't worry, I'll tell you if I know anything" he replied, caressing his forehead "And... Denmark?"

"Yeah?"

"Everything is going to be alright"

"" No one said anything for some time, they could heard the Dane breathing on the other side of the line and still, everything was so quiet. Iceland didn't like this "Thank you"

The silence continued until the Dane hung up the phone. Iceland got his legs closer to his chest as he was starting to feel guilty again. Denmark sounded so broken, just like he did when he left him and got independent. He didn't like it at all.

"You heard him" Netherlands said, and got closer to him "He's worried"

Iceland nodded, acknowledging that he had fucked up. He closed his eyes and then he felt the other's hand grabbing his chin and looking directly into his eyes.

"Try to get better" he asked, genuine concern in his eyes and then, Iceland felt the other's lips on his.

He knew it wasn't love, it was more an 'I'm here for you' kiss, but he didn't care. He nodded, knowing that he couldn't really fulfill a promise like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took long! ;;


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Just quick note!
> 
> This story is not NedIce, they aren't going to be together. I just wrote a little bit because I wanted them to be a toxic pair of 'friends' that know they have something in common that is slowly killing them. So I'm sorry if you came here for the couple but I am not writing them :(

Iceland felt himself getting a lot lighter every time he filled his stomach with green tea and nothing else, he also felt very weak, his economy was doing fine nowadays so he knew it was related to the lack of nutrients. His hands were very cold as well. He was pale too, but then again, when wasn't he? He chuckled at his own thoughts and looked at his side. Netherlands was still asleep and even then he kept frowning. Iceland found it amusing. He bit his lower lip and then sipped from his tea mug again.

He felt his phone vibrate for the tenth time in that morning and he sighed. Norway hadn't given up on trying to reach him and called him every day and each time Iceland ignored the calls.

He'd make up for it later, but for now, the Icelander wanted to focus on the nation next to him and so, he left the night on the bedside table and lied down on the bed.

"You should answer your phone" he heard the other say, he grimaced and shook his head "If you do he'll stop bothering you, he just wants to know you're fine"

"Maybe, but he also wants to know where I am" Iceland replied, declining the call once again. The Dutchman opened his eyes and Iceland stared at them "I don't want to leave just yet"

"You have to" the other said and Iceland knew it was true. He had spent the whole week at the Dutch's house and hadn't even bothered to tell his boss, who still thought he was supposed to be with the Nordics. He would get an scolding when he was back.

"Not yet" he yawned and closed his eyes "My flight leaves at two pm" Iceland replied and moved closer to Netherlands, who accepted him under his arm.

They stayed like that for a while until Iceland's phone vibrated again. The screen lighted up and showed the name 'Noregur' on the screen. He sighed and declined the call again.

It was still early, nine in the morning and Iceland had plenty of time before going to the airport, so he wanted to spend as much time as possible with the Dutch. That week had been full of cigarettes and sex and now that he had to go back to his normal, boring life, he felt like he wouldn't be able to cope with it. He wanted to stay yet he couldn't, his people were first and as much of a disappointment of a nation as he was, he knew he had to be there.

"Do you want some breakfast?" Netherlands asked him, making him snort.

"It depends, what kind of breakfast it is" he said, keeping a neutral tone but implying another thing. His cheeks were a little bit red but he didn't care.

"You never seem to get enough of me" the Dutch replied and shook his head "I would gladly offer myself as breakfast, but I'm actually breaking my fast today and need to eat"

"Great... What are you making?" Both of them sat on the bed, the Dutch with his back leaning against the wall and the Icelander with his legs crossed, sitting next to him but facing him.

"Scrambled egg whites with spinach" he replied, crossing his arms as Iceland sighed.

"Well, then let's go" None of them said anything but that didn't matter, it wasn't uncomfortable at all and they both liked silence.

The Dutchman made the scrambled eggs and Iceland sat himself on a chair near the kitchen door, he plugged his phone and waited for the other to finish. He decided to read the messages he had gotten from the Nordics, most of them were the same 'where are you?' 'We're worried' 'please answer your phone'

He shook his head as he read the last one Finland had sent him. He didn't dare to open Denmark's, though, he knew he had hurt him and it made him feel guilty.

His screen showed Norway's name again and he sighed, deciding to answer so he could stop.

"What is it?" He replied with an annoyed tone.

"Where the hell are you?!" Norway immediately asked. He didn't sound very happy and Iceland already regretted answering.

"That's none of your business"

"Island... " The Norwegian tried to calm down knowing that yelling at his brother would just cause him to stress "We're all worried, please tell me where you are"

"Why would you want to know? Are you going to come all the way here to drag me back home or something?" He heard Norway sigh and looked at the Netherlands as he turned off the stove and couldn't help but roll his eyes as the other immediately began cleaning it.

"I just want to know you're somewhere safe"

"Well it's not like I'm in Afghanistan or something, I'm still in Europe" Iceland half joked, still looking directly at the Dutchman.

"I don't think that's funny"

"You never think anything is funny" Iceland said as Netherlands chuckled and placed a plate in front of him and gave him a fork.

"Who's there with you?" Iceland rolled his eyes and took the fork, examining the food cautiously.

"Someone that you know I'm safe with"

Norway sighed knowing that he wouldn't get any responses from his brother.

"Take care, I'll visit you soon so make sure to be home" he hung up the phone before the Icelander could say anything. He took some egg with the fork an ate it.

"Calories in this?" He asked, slowly chewing and drinking half the glass of water right after he had swallowed.

"Roughly sixty" the other replied, eating some of it too.

None of them said anything as they considered any form of eating like a bad thing they shouldn't be doing but wanted the other to eat, because deep inside they knew how fucked up it was.

As they finished, Netherlands put the plates on the sink and both of them decided to lay down for a while before the Icelander had to leave.

"I'm pretty sure that was Netherlands' voice" Denmark said as Norway hung up the phone.

"How can you tell from a chuckle?" Norway asked, putting his phone back inside his pocket.

"I've heard that same chuckle most of my life, I've grown to know it" Norway sighed and decided that it was time to make lunch.

"Then he lied to you"

"He probably had his reasons" Denmark said, still feeling slightly betrayed but understanding that Iceland was probably feeling really bad and didn't want him to tell them.

But what he couldn't understand was why him? Iceland went to Netherlands for help instead of asking from him. It hurt him a little but decided not to think about it that much. He should focus on Iceland's feelings instead of his own, they were more important now.

"Are you going to his house?" Denmark asked as Norway took out some bacon.

"We are" he replied. Denmark nodded as he let his head fall back, closing his eyes.

"Good. Is Finland and the Swede coming with us?"

"No, I think Iceland will be more comfortable just with us" Denmark nodded again. He was about to fall asleep when the other Nordic woke him up to eat.

They did and then went to the living room, sitting down and turning on the TV. They didn't even care about what was on as their minds were full of worry for their youngest one.

Denmark sighed and then took out his phone, since it had vibrated. When he saw it was Netherlands, he immediately picked up.

"Iceland's with you" he didn't wait for the other to talk as he immediately said what he knew.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you" He heard to other sigh and didn't say anything "He left already, went back to his place"

"Why did you lie?"

There was a moment of silence, none of them talked and Denmark decided that he should get used to it already, since it would happen often from then on.

"I thought it was for the best. He didn't seem like he was feeling good"

"That's what I imagined... What did you want to talk about?"

"I wanted to warn you. Iceland asked me for hunger suppressants-"

"You didn't give them to him, did you?" He cut the other and asked, his voice sounding worried again.

"I did" the other admitted, although Denmark could hear the shame in his voice. By this point the Norwegian had gotten closer to hear too and Denmark put the speaker mode.

"Why the fuck would you give him suppressants?! I'm gonna fucking kill you!" Norway stared at the phone in the other's hand. He wanted to kill the Dutch too, but he also wanted to know the reason.

"I owed him, not an excuse but... You know" Denmark caressed his forehead with his fingers as he tried making his mind progress what had been just said.

"Why are you telling me?"

"I feel like I shouldn't have given them, but he seemed as desperate as I was a few years ago" Denmark listened carefully. He knew what the other was talking about, while Norway stared at the phone, confused.

"You still are"

"Not as much" the other replied and Denmark sighed.

"Well...it won't be easy for me to forgive you for this, but I appreciate that you told me" Denmark said, still sounding annoyed at the other.

"I wasn't expecting you to"

After that, the Dane and the Dutch spent some time talking about how Iceland had been behaving. Denmark couldn't believe Iceland trusted Netherlands more than him, when he had been the one who raised him. Still, he wasn't going to argue.

"Did he tell you why he's doing it?" Netherlands waited some seconds before replying. He didn't want to tell him but he knew he had to.

"Yes, he did. I can tell you but Norway must not know" the Norwegian, who had been listening the whole time, made a sign for the Dane to not tell the other he was listening.

"Alright. I won't tell" and he wouldn't tell because Norway was right next to him, so he didn't need to.

"He said he wanted to be as elegant, if not more, than Norway" Norway frowned and so did the Dane.

"What?"

"It worries me, he keeps comparing himself to Norway, he won't stop until he's skinnier than him" Norway covered his face with his hands, trying to not make any sound.

Denmark didn't say anything as he was processing what had been just said. Iceland was already skinnier than Norway was and he had even told the Norwegian nation in the past that he should eat more. Norway didn't have a problem, he was naturally like that, but Iceland was a little bit bigger, not in fat but in muscle. Iceland was well built while Norway was more petite.

"I think it's time to tell his boss" Netherlands said after a couple minutes of silence.

Denmark made an affirmative sound, agreeing with that. They couldn't force Iceland but his boss could.

"I'll call you later, I will take a plane to his place" Denmark said and hung up, not waiting for any reply. He was so stressed.

He passed an arm around the Norwegian, knowing how to other one felt. It must have been horrible for him to know how Iceland felt about himself, and that he was the main inspiration he had.

"Let's go, we have to arrive today" Norway nodded at that and stood up, slowly, he made his way to the stairs where fixed his suitcase.

Denmark stared at him from the door frame, he had to pack his things too.

They didn't talk at all during the rest of the day. The finished packing and went to the airport, still in silence.

It continued like that even after arriving and they were in front of Iceland's front door. Norway didn't even knock, he took the spare key Iceland had given to him and opened the door, stepping inside, followed by the Dane.

They didn't see him at first, but Denmark noticed the smell of tobacco coming from the kitchen. He opened the door and Iceland was there, sitting at the table, smoking a cigarette. Once he was aware of Denmark's presence, he quickly frowned.

"What are you doing here?" He almost yelled, annoyed.

"I told you I was coming, didn't I?" Norway said while entering the kitchen, his arms were crossed and he was trying not to sigh. He was tired of it already.

"You didn't even knock" The Icelander complained and then took the cigarette back to his mouth. There was no use in hiding it now or making an excuse. They wouldn't believe him.

"There's no point in complaining, we're already here and we're already inside" Denmark said, caressing his forehead with his fingers. It had begun to hurt again and he didn't like that.

"Well, and what are you doing here anyway?" The other two nations decided that it was best to sit down too. Iceland looked at them and then let the smoke go out in another direction to not bother them.

"We came to take care of you" Norway said and looked at the Icelander's body. He had lost more weight during the week he hadn't seen him. He wondered if he even ate at all at Netherlands' house.

"I don't need a babysitter, I can take care of myself just fine" he placed the cigarette on a plate and turned off what was left of it. He took the box to take out another one and decided to fuck around a little bit "Want one?" He offered the nations in front of him.

Denmark did take one, which surprised the Icelander, but he didn't show it. Norway just gave him a disapproving look.

"Did you eat yet?" Norway asked, ignoring the Dane who was lighting up the cigarette.

"Yeah, scrambled eggs" he said and smiled, because it was true. Not that he was proud, but he didn't want to deal with Norway.

"Good. Dan will make dinner while I have a meeting in my embassy" Iceland grimaced, that meant they were going to stay long if Norway started to work at the embassy.

The Norwegian nation stood up and walked out the kitchen, leaving the Dane and the Icelander alone. They stayed silent and just letting the smoke go out. It felt weird. He had never smoked with Denmark before and he was surprised the other hadn't tried to stop him. Then again, it was Denmark who have him his first beer behind Norway's back, so he should have expected it. Kind of.

"You don't seem upset" Iceland decided to talk. Curiosity took over and he really wanted to know.

"About what?"

"I'm here smoking. Noregur was upset" he let the smoke go out and looked at the Dane's direction after doing so.

"It's not like you'll stop doing it even if I tell you not to" Iceland nodded in agreement.

"You're right"


	5. Chapter 5

Time passed and Iceland only grew impatient. He knew the Dane wanted to say something and for some reason, completely unknown to him, he didn't and it was driving him crazy. He had this expression on his face that he had only seen the day Norway had to leave to Stockholm, it had been heartbreaking then as it was now.

Denmark raised him and knowing he was the cause of the man's sadness made him feel horrible but more it hurt him to see himself in the mirror, to step on the scale and to pinch on his stomach. His mind just couldn't let him stop hurting Denmark and he loathed himself even more.

"I'm going to take a shower" Iceland said as he stood up, taking the half empty cigarette box and putting it inside his pocket.

"Hurry up, I'll start making dinner" The Dane said to which Iceland grimaced.

"Not gonna come back downstairs" he stated, biting his lower lip but not looking back at the man.

He quickly closed the kitchen door and walked towards his bedroom in the second floor. He wanted to be alone so badly or even be with the Dutchman, but he knew his brother would not let him alone and neither would his boss. He was trapped and he felt as if he could collapse at any moment.

He leaned against the door and covered his face with his hands. His stomach rumbled and he sighed, he had taken a suppressant in the morning, but for some reason, its effect had been fading since he landed. It felt awful. He had started to feel dizzy too and his head was spinning. The fact that he felt horrible for hurting the Dane wasn't helping and without noticing, everything went black and he only felt a strong hit before passing out.

He felt his head spinning as someone shook him awake, he tried to open his eyes but the lights hurt him and he let them closed.

"Island, come on, wake up" he heard the Dane and could sense the desperation in his voice. He knew that if he died he would just pop up later, still, it wasn't going to be a good experience neither for him or for Denmark. He tried to open his eyes again but it was impossible.

After some seconds he stopped feeling the Dane shaking him, he wondered what was happening.

"Norge, Island is not waking up... Yes, he passed out... I don't know... Probably the lack of nutrients... I don't know if he hit his head... Should I take him to-... Alright I'll wait for you... I won't leave his side, don't worry... Hurry up" he couldn't hear what his brother was saying, but he didn't care. He just wanted to open his eyes, so, he tried again, being able to open them just enough so he could see the Dane staring at him. His eyes were crystalized and Iceland supposed he was crying or just about to do so.

"Dan..." He tried to say, to show the older nation that he was awake but that was the only thing that came out of his mouth. He couldn't finish the word but that didn't matter, because the Dane had heard and immediately he had his arms around him. He leaned his head on Denmark's shoulder, since it felt really heavy.

"Oh god... You're awake" he felt the other stroke his hair and he wanted to tell him to stop, but at the same time it was comforting. He blamed it on how weak he felt that he didn't tell anything.

"Ja..." He replied, switching to Danish to try and comfort the nation "My head is spinning" he continued in Danish, finding it a difficult task.

"Let me check" Denmark said and began to inspect to see if the Icelander had hit his head badly. He couldn't find any blood or something else, and he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding "It seems you're alright...but I really think you should have dinner, it'll make you good"

"I can't" he replied, deciding that that was the best thing he could say, he was aware that it wasn't his own choice anymore, rather than 'i don't want to eat' it was more of 'I can't eat' he couldn't anymore. If he did, it was going to make him feel worse that he already felt "I can't eat"

"Of course you can, I'll make you whatever you want, you just name it" Iceland looked down and shook his head.

"No, I can't Danmörk, I can't eat, it doesn't depend on me, not anymore" The Dane didn't say anything as he let the words sink. Iceland felt like he had to be honest, even if he wouldn't stop, he needed Denmark to understand.

"I see... " He remained quiet as he lifted the Icelander from the floor, avoiding commenting on how light he felt on his arms and then left him on the bed. He had to rest "I'll bring you some water" he said before leaving the room and Iceland only sighed. He felt terrible but there was nothing he could do. He closed his eyes and waited for the other to come back.

It didn't surprise him that the Dane hadn't replied to what he had admitted, he knew he was sick, but he loved how he was beginning to look, how boney he was becoming compared to Norway. Yet, at the same time it hurt him, it hurt to know that he was making Denmark suffer from all of this. Still, he wouldn't stop.

He heard the door downstairs and sighed again. His brother was back and he didn't want him worrying over him like Denmark had.

"Ísland!" Norway entered the bedroom and immediately went to check on him, placing his hands on his head trying to find any damage. When he didn't, he let himself relax again and let Denmark give him the water he had brought.

Iceland drank from the glass, feeling a lot better.

"You need help, this can't continue Iceland" as soon as that statement left Norway's mouth, he felt angry. Was Norway going to stop him from looking better than him?

"I won't go to any doctor" he said, crossing his arms in a childish way, but he meant it "Not when I'm this close from my goal weight"

"Goal weigh? Ice, you're skin and bones! Where could you possibly lose more weight?!" Norway exclaimed, his eyes full of worry and sadness.

"There's a lot that I can name" he said, looking at Norway's boney legs and arms, not caring to hide it.

"I know what you're doing, stop using my body as your inspiration, Island, you're way skinnier than I am even though you don't see it"

"You just say that because you want to stop me!" Iceland yelled, placing a hand on his head after the sudden movement, feeling dizzy again.

"Of course I want to stop you! You're killing yourself, lillebror, and you coming back won't make you healthy again, it won't be pretty and you won't like it, this is why I want you to stop"

"No! The reason is that you don't want me to have something! To be better than you at just ONE thing!" He yelled, feeling slightly embarrassed from admitting what was on his mind directly to his brother, but he didn't care, he didn't want to stop and his mind was playing tricks on him, it didn't let him believe Norway, he knew he was sick, but while on confrontation, his mind seemed to erase all the acknowledgement of his sickness and focused on his goal.

Norway stared at him with a hurt expression on his face and Iceland couldn't help but feel a little guilty, but the illness was working hard on pushing that feeling aside and make the Icelander hold his gaze on the other. Denmark stayed quiet, knowing that he had no place in the discussion but also wanting to intervene, he knew Norway's heart, contrary to popular belief, wasn't made of stone, and judging by the look he gave him the moment Iceland yelled back, it was breaking to million pieces, it made him bit his lower lip. He hated when the two fought and now more that one of them was dying because of it.

"I'm sorry" Norway said, and reached for the other's arm carefully and when he was about to touch it he grabbed it with a little bit of force "but I won't let you die"

Iceland tried to get away from the grip and looked back at the Dane for help, but he only looked to the side.

"We're going with your boss right now and you'll get help" The Norwegian said. His face blank and his voice firm, but in his eyes it showed how actually scared and sad he was. Iceland had never seen him like that and at the end, he stopped fighting back. He decided to let him take him wherever he wanted but he knew that he wasn't going to stop no matter what. He had to get to his goal.

A sound behind him startled him and he turned his head to see the Dane leaning towards him, really close to his own comfort and then he passed an arm under the Icelander's legs, carrying him bridal style and ignoring Iceland's weak punches towards his chest.

Iceland bit his lower lip when he realized they were serious about taking him with his boss and decided that he was going mute from now on. Denmark left him in the back seat and both older nations climbed into the car as well.

Silence remained in the car, only the motor could be heard and in less that fifteen minutes they were parking outside the building Iceland worked at.

He didn't protest while being held by Denmark again as he knew it was useless, he was weak and the Dane was an ex Viking, he lift him up like he was a feather and he secretly loved that he was that easy to carry around.

They entered the building and immediately two security guards came running towards the obviously sick nation.

"What did you do to him?" They asked in Icelandic and Norway stepped forward.

"We came to see his boss" he didn't reply to the first question, but his voice sounded so authoritarian that both guards just exchanged a look and decided that it was better that the boss handled the two Scandinavian nations himself.

They walked to the elevators and Iceland did his best to hide his face in the Dane's neck, all those eyes on him were making him uncomfortable and he knew that now not only he was worrying Denmark but also his people, the ones who believed in him and loved him. He felt ashamed and at the same time, he liked the attention. He bit his lower lip, hard, as punishment for that thought.

Once they reached the old man's office, the three nations had behind them a small group of Icelanders that were obviously worried for their nation.

Norway opened the door and held it for the Dane who stepped in first. The old Icelander stood from his chair and quickly walked over to Iceland, checking the state the young nation was in.

"Ísland..." He muttered, and Iceland felt his cheeks heat up. His boss had never, not once, given him that look filled with worry and sadness. He felt like he could die "What happened?"

Norway placed a hand on Denmark's shoulder and began to explain about his brother's disorder. Since he didn't close the door, the people and assistants outside of the office, quickly frowned and gasped, their nation was dying.

"Ísland, we have to get you into a recovery center, you can't keep doing this" the man said after the Norwegian had ended his explanation. He hadn't bothered with questions, he wanted to act first and then ask whatever he wanted to know.

"No" Iceland said and tried to get down the Dane, and when his feet touched the floor he felt dizzy again. He leaned on Denmark for support and this only got his boss even more worried.

"We're counting on you, Ísland, you're our country and we love you, it hurts us deeply seeing you like this" Iceland's direct assistant walked into the office as well. Iceland couldn't help but look the other way. That woman had been there for him always, taking care that he had everything he needed and always supporting him. He couldn't stand knowing he was hurting everybody he loved but his mind yelled at him, screamed again and again how they were just trying to stop his progress, how they didn't really care about him and infinity of more things. He couldn't stand it anymore. He let himself fall to the floor and covered his ears, knowing that the voice inside his head wouldn't stop but he still tried.

'if you were skinny your people would love you'

'because at least you would be good looking, you useless island'

'disappointment'

'starve, that's the only thing you're actually good at'

'kill yourself'

Hi felt a hand on his shoulder and suddenly the voice stopped. He looked up and saw his brother looking at him with his eyes teary. That was the moment he really broke. Norway never cried.

And it was his fault he was doing it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!
> 
> i feel like it went a little bit rushed but yeah, sorry
> 
> I'll try to make the next chapters better, and we'll get to see iceland trying to actually recover.
> 
> I've never been to an actual recovery center, I've only had sessions with the school's psychologist so it might be a little bit inaccurate.
> 
> thanks for reading and remember that your weight doesnt define you as a person, take care


	6. Chapter 6

When he woke up he felt like he had been hit in the head, it hurt and it was spinning. He wanted to throw up but there was nothing in his stomach. He couldn't even remember when he had passed out, it was all blurry.

"Island?" He heard a voice and opened his eyes, his brother was in front of him, looking at him with worry in his eyes "how are you feeling?" 

"I'm alright... I guess" he looked to the side and saw Sweden and Finland sitting on the couch next to the bed, he could also see Denmark sitting on the floor, he was using his phone so he looked back at Norway.

"Do you remember what happened?" This time Finland spoke and suddenly Iceland felt overwhelmed. All the attention was on him but instead of loving it he felt sick. It wasn't good attention, it was concern filled attention. 

"No... We were with my boss, but I don't know what happened next" he said, pulling the blankets to cover his face. Norway noticed this.

"Do you want us to leave?" He asked but Iceland shook his head. He didn't want to be alone, he just didn't want all the attention on him and it seemed that the others understood this since Denmark went back to his phone and Sweden sat down next to the Dane. Finland stayed there as well as Norway, but Finland had let go of his hand and suddenly he felt way better. 

"Are you hungry?" Finland asked, carefully, and Iceland felt his stomach grumble. He hadn't taken the suppressant yet, and his stomach felt empty, still, the sole idea of eating terrified him to no end "Sve will make you whatever you want if you are" Iceland appreciated the motherly and caring tone the Finn was using, but he didn't think he could. 

"No..." He whispered, expecting angry words but instead Finland nodded, and Norway did too, which made him feel better. 

"Alright" was all the Finn replied but somehow it was enough. With a little more confidence, Iceland decided that a little bit would not hurt. Maybe it was because, since his family was with him, the voice was not bothering him.

"Maybe... Some eggs would do" He muttered, feeling everyone's gaze on him again, but instead of worry there was something else in the way they were looking. 

"Great! Sve, please?" The Swedish nation stood up and nodded.

"Just... Don't add oil or salt" Iceland said, to which Sweden nodded again and then left the room. 

No one said anything, they knew that feeding Iceland would not make him healthy again, at least not mentally and so, they had agreed to take him to recovery in his own land. A more familiar language would do him good rather than taking him abroad. They just had to get him to agree first, if he refused, his boss would do it against his will but they thought it would be better if he cooperated.

"Where's my phone?" Iceland asked and then was handed his phone by Norway, who took it out from his pocket.

He checked if he had any messages. Liechtenstein and New Zealand sent him some random messages that he didn't bother to reply and he sighed in disappointment when he saw none from the Dutch man.

He left his phone to the side. 

"You can skip the next world meeting if you want to" Finland said, showing a calendar where certain number was circled in red. Iceland nodded. He didn't feel like going anywhere anytime soon, specially a meeting where he wouldn't really participate in. His delegate would do all, so he decided skipping it would be good.

He looked at the window, it was morning so the eggs would be enough for the whole day. He grimaced but didn't say anything. 

When Sweden came back, he could smell the food and felt a sharp pain in his stomach. He had gotten used to those already, so he just slightly sighed and tried to sit up. He took the plate and stared at it for a while, calculating the calories in his mind. It was low cal but it still made him feel horrible.

He began hearing whispers inside his head again, but one look from his brother made it shut up. Iceland wondered what was happening and even if the voice was not there, his soul stopped him from grabbing the fork for two more minutes.

He sighed and took it, taking some of the egg and putting it into his mouth. It was tasty. Really tasty and right then he didn't care about the others in the room and how they were staring at him, he didn't care about what they thought. Half of his mind, the still rational one, yelled at him to eat it, to not mind about his looks or anything, to care only about surviving, but the other, stronger half kept telling him to stop, that he would regret this after.

"It's okay if you don't want to" Finland said, after he observed how the other hesitated.

Iceland felt relief after that, but it was short-lived since he felt guilty for making Sweden cook something only for him not to eat it. 

He took the fork again, eating some more of the food, and then more and more until he had cleaned the plate. He didn't even notice how it had happened so fast and he realised this is how binging worked. His mind focused on eating and shut down all other senses. 

"Are you okay?" Norway asked once he had placed the fork back on the plate. 

He didn't even know how to reply to that. He felt ashamed. He had eaten like a pig in front of his family, he lost control. His eyes moved from the plate to Norway's stomach, and then his legs... Would he ever achieve that? He didn't notice the way the others looked at him, specially his brother, who knew exactly what he was doing. It was heartbreaking, since for only being there he was a trigger for Iceland.

"Jeg er glad i deg" He whispered, his hand caressing the other's hair as he didn't know what else to do in a situation like that, he had no control over it and that frustrated him to no end. 

Iceland stayed quiet, and his eyes never left the spot. It was like he had stopped thinking and just focused all of his attention on comparing himself to Norway. He didn't want to throw up the food, he didn't want this to continue, he wanted everything to go back to the way it used to be. He and his family spending a week together, cooking, enjoying the treats Denmark would bake for him, eating ice cream with Finland, tasting the delicious cooking of Sweden and... Being able to look at Norway without being reminded of his own flaws.

"I think... I need help" He said, closing his eyes as his brother still played with his hair. It was relaxing and maybe that was what made him say that.

Nobody replied and it's not like Iceland was expecting them to say something, he actually wished the silence would remain and it did, since shortly after that he felt himself getting more and more sleepy until he couldn't remember exactly how he fell asleep.

-æ-

When he woke up, it was already night time and he yawned, he was still really tired for some reason but he didn't want to fall back asleep yet, so, he stood up from the bed and walked out of the room, looking for his brother. The situation made him remember those times when he was still a child, when he was sick, he would look for Norway and him, with his magic would take the pain away. He bit his lower lip at the memory. Norway couldn't take this away, could he?

He could ask, but then again, if he couldn't, what would he do? Where would they send him? He needed help, and he knew that maybe a professional doctor would take this illness away from him, he wanted to be healthy again. 

He didn't miss the voice in his head, but he wondered where it was. It didn't make sense it just disappeared, he had to ask Norway if he had done anything to it.

As he approached the stairs, a delicious smell captured him. Sweden always cooked delicious food and he found himself following it to the kitchen. His steps almost automatic, he probably looked like a zombie, but he didn't care. 

Was this what the forum girls always complained about? A binging cycle, they called it. He was losing control, and the voice wasn't there to stop him. 

He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice when he had entered the kitchen, it was just that the stopping of noise and chatting, the sudden silence snapped him out of his thoughts. 

"Good evening" He said and sat down next to his brother. He didn't want to eat, so he just observed the others.

"Would you like a plate too?" Finland carefully asked and Iceland shook his head, slowly. 

He was grateful no one looked at him angrily, that made him more relaxed, just like that morning, it was just that this time he wasn't going to give in. He leaned his head on Norway's shoulder and decided to drink from his brother's glass of water. He knew Norway wouldn't mind. And he didn't.

The chatting continued -it was mostly Finland, but Denmark said some stuff too- Iceland wondered if Denmark was still feeling bad like he had been all that week. He wanted to apologize but the words just wouldn't come out of his mouth. He waited for the others to finish and he didn't even know why. Maybe he just wanted to spend some time with them? Whatever it was, it made him stay at the table with them until all had finished having dinner and then they were going to have a movie night.

He didn't talk as he stood up from the chair and walked to the biggest couch in the living room. He couldn't help but notice how everything had been cleaned up. 

"Is, do you have Netflix?" He heard the question and turned his head to nod at the Finn. He did have it and certainly, he usually didn't use it, he just liked to pay for it just in case he wanted to watch something. He turned it on when the remote was handed to him and quickly opened the app so they could watch.

He didn't notice when Denmark had come back from the kitchen with three big bowls of popcorn and Sweden was behind him with a soda bottle. He chose a movie without really asking the others' opinion on it, he thought it would be fine. 

Denmark and Norway were sitting with him on the couch while Finland and Sweden were on the loveseat, in a very compromising position yet he tried not to focus on that, instead, he paid attention to the movie. He was so captured by it that he didn't notice how his hand had reached for Denmark's bowl of popcorn to steal some and eat them. For a moment, he completely forgot about the illness and the voice was completely quiet. For a moment it was like before all that had started. He didn't even realize why he shouldn't be eating that, he just focused on knowing and understanding why the protagonist had done what they did and completely missed the looks from the other Nordics.

Maybe there was hope that thing would go back to normal. Maybe he was just binging, who knew, he just had to wait and see what would happen next.


	7. Chapter 7

After the movie ended, Iceland noticed how greasy his fingers seemed and he didn't need to ask the others what had happened. He knew and his stomach started to weight him down. Was it too late to go and purge? He didn't know, but his brother noticed how scared he looked and decided to wrap his arms around him.

He let him hug him, deciding that it wasn't so bad. Norway avoided commenting on how skinny he was the moment he wrapped him in a hug and instead pulled him gently towards himself. Sweden and Finland didn't say anything as they left the living room, leaving only the two brothers and the Dane.

"Will you accept going to recovery?" Norway asked with a soft voice, and Iceland nodded.

'Why did you accept? You didn't even reach your goal, yet you think you deserve recovery? What a joke, you're still fat, and you will gain back the little weight you lost. Pathetic'

He tried to ignore it, but it was becoming stronger. He even wondered if Norway could take it away again, with his magic or whatever he did to stop the voice.

"Nore..." The Norwegian turned to look at him and Iceland continued "Make it stop, please"

"Stop? What are you talking about?" Iceland felt his cheeks go red as he realised that maybe Norway did not know about the voice. Maybe his magic was affecting him involuntarily? Either way, he needed it to be gone.

"The voice. The one in my head" he simply said and the other two nations didn't need more explanation. They understood.

"What is it saying?" Norway asked as his hands surrounded his brother's.

"That I don't deserve to get better and I'm starting to believe it" he admitted and leaned more against Norway. He knew he was acting too clingy and that wasn't his usual self, but at that moment he really didn't care. He needed the comfort, he needed this to stop.

"That's not true!" Denmark said loudly, joining in the hug and stroking the Icelander's hair.

"But it doesn't stop saying it" Iceland said quietly, feeling even more vulnerable. 

Norway didn't say anything as his hand passed around Iceland's head and stopped to grab behind his neck. He pressed their foreheads together and looked him directly in the eyes.

"You deserve to get better, we love you, you have no idea how much we do" Iceland stared at him to what felt like an eternity, the voice inside fighting Norway's comfort and love with all it's strength and suddenly he felt really tired. He closed his eyes and moved away, leaning on the Dane for more comfort. He just wanted this to end. 

He felt the Dane carry him in his arms and lifting him to get him back upstairs and to his bedroom. He didn't say anything and didn't struggle. It felt good to be around the Danish nation. It reminded him of when he was a child. 

He wanted to feel like that again, to be protected by his older brothers and no need to worry about anything and anyone. He had always been insecure about his body, but then again, his body took it's form thanks to the lives of his people, if he hated himself, wouldn't that mean he hated them too? They weren't at fault and he loved them. He couldn't do this to them. 

With that thought in mind, he fell asleep once again. He didn't even know he was that tired, but it made sense. 

...

He woke up the moment the light hurt his eyes. He forgot to close the curtain and the room wasn't as dark as it used to be, so, he groaned and sat up, grimacing for the cold that hit him the moment the blankets were no longer covering his body. He sighed and tries to guess what time it was, since the sun didn't come out after ten am then it had to be around eleven. 

He confirmed it the moment he heard talking downstairs. His brother wouldn't get up that early on a holiday... If he was in holiday at all. 

But the others were there as well and he could smell food. Maybe they were having brunch. Either way, Iceland got out of the bed and put on a hoodie. He walked downstairs and then he felt a déjà vu. But this time, he was actually in a good mood and the voice wasn't there. The thought about his people was still fresh in his mind and he had taken a decision. If it wasn't for him, then it had to be for then. It was his job to be there for them all the time, they were his and he was theirs.

He loved them and couldn't let them down.

He made his way to the kitchen, again, and opened the door, finding everyone just getting ready to eat brunch. As he guessed, his brother was drinking coffee, trying to wake up completely and be a functional person. Denmark was doing something with the stove, Sweden as cutting stuff up and Finland was trying to chat with the Norwegian. He also has a cup of coffee but seemed more awake than Norway.

The image was just missing him.

Usually, he would be the last one to get up -just like now- and he would be sitting next to his brother enjoying some tea or coffee, depending on his mood. Then, he would be the first one to get served by Sweden because he always was the spoiled little brother. They'd chat and gossip about other nations, tell each other how their bosses were assholes and how there was a new restaurant opening in their capitol. He suddenly felt really sad, since he was missing all of that.

He didn't go unnoticed, the moment the Dane saw him, he had arms around his shoulders.

"Come sit down, alright?" He nodded and placed himself next to Norway, again and even dared to take a sip out if his brother's cup of coffee. 

He stayed like that, listening to Finland's soothing voice and the calming sounds the other two nations were making while cooking. It had started to feel right again, he wasn't out of the picture. There was only one thing left.

He saw the Swede place some plates around the table, being careful the moment he skipped Iceland, so he wouldn't feel bad. But it surprised, not only him, but the others as well when he tugged at the Swedish man and talked.

"You missed me" His brother smiled and Sweden nodded, giving him a plate. Then, Denmark, with the biggest smile he had had during the last month, placed some food on his plate. It wasn't so much that he would feel scared by it but it also wasn't so little.

It was fine and when the other two also sat down, he didn't hesitate to take a fork and ate some of the egg on top of the bread. It tasted amazing. So, slowly, he continued eating and by the time he finished, everyone else were done as well.

Finland took the plates to the sink and then all of them headed to the living room to watch some TV. Iceland was feeling great. The voice hadn't bothered him and the motivation to get better for his people kept him from going upstairs and purge. He really was feeling good.

And he hoped he could continue to do so even inside of recovery. He would do everything for them even if he didn't like it, even if the voice inside of him disagreed.

His people, the Icelanders, were his everything.

He watched TV with the others for a while, until he received a message that got him distracted from it. It was Netherlands and for a moment, Iceland feared a trigger; he still checked what he sent.

_"I talked to my Prime minister and I'm going to go to a special program towards nation's recovery. I thought you deserved to know since I will be off for a while. I wish you to get better too. I trust Denmark will make sure of that"_

He finished the text with an ok emoji and Iceland decided to reply with only a 'Good luck' since he didn't see it necessary to start a conversation out of that. He wanted to keep his motivation up and it he texted him more it might trigger the voice again. He had to stop this.

He closed WhatsApp and opened the phone keyboard so he could call his boss. He didn't even tell the other Nordics but they soon noticed anyway.

_"Ísland?"_

"Já, it's me. I wanted to talk to you about... You know. I have decided I want to get better, therefore I want you to open up a nation's recovery program"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's so short, but I didn't want to add too much filler before I write the actual post recovery Iceland (I might write some detail about how he worked to get better) and I still don't know if you guys want to see more chapters. Should I make it longer? Like, having a relapse? 
> 
> I will be reading you! Thank you so much for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I am no expert on eating disorders, I'm not a doctor. This is based off of personal experiences.
> 
> If you're struggling with an ED this is the ED hotline for: 
> 
> US: 1-800-931-2237  
UK: 0808 801 0711
> 
> ...
> 
> Forgive me for any mistakes, English is not my mother language.


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